Tears Of Eternity
by Shelling4869Ford
Summary: "I can never expect anyone to share my fate," he said, despite the way he felt like the words he uttered were choking him. "It would be better for them to simply forget me." His voice crawled under her skin, and silence fell upon them again. "Do you really believe they could do that…do you think she could ever forget you?"


**OMG! I´m so sorry... I uploaded the flie with my mistakes and the beta edits- I´m so sorry! I still struggle with /, I hope I didn´t scare you away! Thanks to Vertschl who mentioned it! /,**

 **T** **ears Of Eternity**

He knew the man had seen him standing in the moonless shadows of the trees, just before he kissed his wife standing by the doorway goodbye and drove off in his car with his little boy.

The wife remained in the doorway, watching the dust trail left by the car with a silent sigh and waited for him to finally step out into the light where she could see him. She stared into the darkness, waiting, while the cold spring wind tugged at her clothing, creating goosebumps on her arms. She was afraid to see him because his condition, when they met last time, had been… lousy, to put it mildly. And lord knew how much worse his condition was now.

The young mother rubbed her arms and exhaled in annoyance and nervousness, and whispered into the night, "Come on in. You didn't come here to stand there all night, after all."

There was a brief hesitation, before the grade schooler quickly snuck past her into the house.  
With a sigh, she closed the door behind him and turned around to look at him while he pulled the worn out shoes off his feet.

The little boy trembled and she saw it, even though he probably tried to hide it from her. His hair had become long, so long that his eyes his eyes were veiled by his bangs. His clothes were a bit worn out, but at least she could not see any obvious wounds or blood straining them, causing her to breathe out in relief before his voice finally gained her attention.

"Thank you, Sonoko."

The heiress could not prevent the chill that ran down her spine when she saw him standing in front of her like that. The former high school student detective Kudo Shinichi, of whom nothing was left aside from a small boy in worn clothes: a boy who was more than aware of his shape while he avoided looking at her and instead stared at the clean marble floor.

A grade schooler, a small child.

Her heart grew heavy at the thought, but the silence between them was dangerous. She knew he would be out the door again in no time if he thought that his visit troubled her too much, that he was imposing on her hospitality. The last thing he wanted, after all, to hurt anyone with his presence.

Sonoko Suzuki gulped, wracking her brain for something to say so she could break the tension between them. All she wanted was to fall back into the pleasant camaraderie they had shared in the past and just banter lightly, simply, while she searched for a way to make sure he wouldn't disappear again before she was able to take care of him. She shook her head, a gesture that made him looking up to her, causing her body to tremble at the sight of those eyes that seemed too old for even his biological age and set in the face of a child. She ignored it and instead focused on the dirt on his cheeks, the strange black spot on his forehead, and the young leaves that had nestled themselves in his tousled hair.

Sonoko sighed theatrically and wrinkled her nose. "You stink!"

Conan's insecure and analytical gaze changed into one of surprise, before Shinichi's grin bloomed, somehow seeming tired on his young face.

"That's why I'm here, Sonoko, to see how worked up you get over silly things," he said, and Sonoko internally sighed with relief when she noticed how those eyes sparkled with mischief, like in the old days.

Sonoko rolled her eyes, but it already felt like the atmosphere around them had become a bit more relaxed as he followed her into the house.

She led him into the bathroom. A hot bath was probably the best way to warm his frozen body up. Besides, she couldn't imagine letting him sit at her immaculate dining table in his present grimy condition. She sighed, digging out the small bathrobe which she hid in their bathroom cabinet and turned around to hand it to him along with a few towels. Shinichi's eyes wandered over the shiny white marble, which they had installed in here two years ago, but it was the small rubber ducky and other toys that turned the usually pristine bathroom into a colorful mess that caught his attention.

He tipped his head to the side, well aware that she was watching him.

"How old is he now?"

"Five."

Conan nodded silently, and Sonoko suddenly felt like there was a lump of lead in the pit of her stomach.

It was Makoto who had brought the idea up that he could simply bring their little son to his grandparents whenever he showed up, though not because they believed that Shinichi would be a bad influence to him. No, they had other reasons. And now her parents no longer wondered at the random spontaneous appearances of her husband and child, while she stayed behind "to take care of a few company matters" at home.

She'd gotten used to Shinichi's visits; they only occurred rarely these days. And even if it was difficult for her to see him without having the overwhelming urge to grab him by his ears and drag him back to his own parents, she was always glad to see that his health was somewhat alright. Even Makoto noticed that his wife grew more restless as the time between his visits increased, and Makoto was no Kudo Shinichi.  
She bit her lip, but even after all these years, it was still hard for Sonoko Suzuki to simply shut up.

"Out of everyone you know, why come to me?"

She saw how he blinked, turning around slowly to look at her with those tired blue eyes, and how the the shadows in them grew even darker. His voice was rough and had lost every last bit of childishness. "Because I know that you would never hurt her." A weary smile crept on his pale lips, but it disappeared again with a sight, while he shrugged, "Besides-" He hesitated for a second, knowing that he might go too far.

But of course, since Sonoko had never possessed the the virtue of tactfulness, she didn't drop the matter. "Besides, what?"

The grade schooler sighed in annoyance. Why was she questioning him now? After all these years, she suddenly wanted him to explain himself to her? If she didn't want him here she could simply tell him. He gulped, dodging her quizzical look. "If you want, I can always leave, Sonoko."

"Kudo."

But the commanding tone in her voice, only made the blood in his veins boil. She wanted to know? After all this time? He looked up at folding his arms before his chest and spoke in a hushed voice she could barely understand. "It's not like you ever cared about my whereabouts earlier, Suzuki, so why now?" He glared at her defiantly.

She faltered. Had she just heard those words come out of his mouth? That rotten, spoiled little _brat_! Well, okay, it was true that her relationship with Kudo hadn't been very nice back then; the fact that he had left Ran in the dark for so long didn't help either. But she wasn't heartless. She had grown up with him, for god's sake, and since he meant a lot to Ran, she couldn't possibly ignore him.

The voice of the company heiress grew frosty enough to give him a bad case of frostbite if possible, as she straightened her back and forced him to look up at her. "I very much hope you didn't mean that, Kudo, because if you did, you can show yourself out."

Shinichi held her gaze for a moment. He knew that she would not hesitate to act on her threat, if he didn't apologize very soon. And well, he hadn't really meant it. Shinichi turned his back to her with a soft sigh. "No, never mind..."

He brushed his fingers over his eyes, probably the cold and fatigue had finally caught up with him and were influencing him more than he wanted to admit. The bitter taste in his mouth didn't leave his tongue as he slowly looked up to her again. "… although, it would be better for you, Sonoko, if I left."

She only rolled her eyes, placing his change of clothes on a shelf, before walking out of the door. "Call me if you need anything." He nodded, and sank into the warmth of the water.

xxx

Fortunately for Shinichi and Sonoko, Makoto was a great cook. If he hadn't been, Sonoko may have ended up poisoning Kudo in an attempt to feed him. Her own cooking skills were still modest at best, thanks to all those years she just bought stuff from restaurants instead of bothering to learn how to cook well.

And even if Makoto took his time in the kitchen, he always made plenty of food: enough to sate the hunger of a starving gradeschooler with the leftovers. Sonoko sighed while she watched the remnants of their dinner revolving in the microwave. 'Although, even my cooking probably would be better than what you normally get to eat these days.'

She frowned and eradicated the thought with a brief shake of her head before she noticed him standing by the door. Washed and in clean clothes, the sight of him was at least not quite that scary. Only the bundle of dirty laundry, which he held in his hand, still disturbed her. And his hair, but she'd cross that bridge when she got to it.

'But that isn't going to be much of a problem any longer,' she thought to herself as she crossed the short distance between them and took the clothes out of his hands without bothering to ask for his permission. Shinichi looked up questioningly, like he had no idea why Sonoko would double-take at the sight of those things, but she had eyes only for the tattered rags he called 'clothes', which were so incongruous in her pristine manor.

"Do you think you can return them by tomorrow?"

The blonde only pursed her lips, and said, "I can try, though I'm not even sure that _this_ one will survive the machine." With raised eyebrows, she appraised the gray sweater, which seemed to barely hold itself together with a few loose stitches. He rolled his eyes, but Sonoko didn't care; instead she examined him down from the clean jeans up to the red sweatshirt which he now wore. "Besides, the clothes I put out for you are a good fit, right?" she wondered aloud.

"Yes, but…" he nodded slightly but he was not exactly happy because of that, something Sonoko gleaned from the embarrassed flush on his cheeks.

"Come on, we'll let the washing machine decide which of these can still be considered wearable, in the broadest sense of the term."

Shinichi sighed just as she disappeared with his stuff and climbed onto the nearest chair to get a glimpse into the microwave on the countertop. The smell wafting from it made him feel like his stomach was a bottomless pit while he watched the plateful of food turn around in circles, but then something else caught his attention. He saw his own reflection on the glass of the microwave.

The detective grabbed his still-damp hair and looked at the tips of the dark strands between his fingers. That was the only thing that still grew - his damn hair.

"You need a haircut." Sonoko broke his reverie, rather matter-of-factly.

He twitched briefly; he hadn't heard her coming. Some detective he was. Shinichi glanced up to Sonoko before his gaze moved back to his reflection and the dark mop of hair. "Yeah...I think you're right."

"You think?" Sonoko snorted, and made her way towards the microwave.

"I packed a few things for you, look through them later and tell me if you may need anything else." Sonoko knew that Shinichi wouldn't actually tell her if he needed anything, and it would be a big deal if he took the backpack at all, but one could hope.

Shinichi shot her a long look, one eyebrow moving upwards questioningly. "What? No debate this time? You don't want to stop me -?" He asked sarcastically, but she could sense the doubt beneath the jokingness of it all.

Sonoko faltered, then slowly turned around to face him. "I didn't say that, but have these arguments ever led to anything productive?"

The answer to that was a small smile that fled over the grade schoolers lips. "Nope."

Sonoko just sighed, shaking her head before she finally got the plate from its rotating prison.

The greed with which he gobbled down Makoto's leftovers made the queasy feeling in her stomach flare up again. She had sworn to herself to let him go, but only because their discussions always ended the same way; Shinichi going away despite her vehement protests.

But she couldn't let him _just go_. Although Kudo did not believe it, she _was_ worried about him.

Every time, when he didn't show up for months, sometimes almost a year, she blamed herself for not having tried harder to put a stop to this. That she wasn't able to talk him out of the life he led.

The young mother swallowed in an attempt to remedy her suddenly dry throat as she watched how his cheeks gained some color with every bite he took, and tried to battle the overwhelming urge to protect him from of the clutches of the harm that came with leading the life he did. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that she was a mother herself now. Her little Toiko was almost his age, and to imagine that her son was out there all by himself, _alone_ …

She shook her head and tried to calm herself down, but her voice was still shaking as she asked the question which she knew would only cause trouble between them. "Is this what you want, Kudo? To live like a vagrant?"

She saw how he slowly swallowed the mouthful of food he'd been trying to shove down his throat, deliberately set down his fork, and blinked at her with those eyes that seemed too old and too big for his young and impoverished face, but for once she didn't care.

"You know we can find you, right? And then you have your dad and Heiji. They would have no problem tracing where you're going; all they have to do is look for the trail of fainting investigators you tend to leave behind you."

Shinichi merely stared at the plate of food that suddenly didn't seem appetizing at all. As if he didn't know that. He'd lost count of how many times Hattori had ambushed him already, how many times they had discussed this, or how often he had tried to grab him and to drag him home. And each time it ended either with a Heiji getting kicked in the head with a soccer ball or hit with an anesthetic dart in his neck until it became easier to outwit him with time;the attempts Hattori made to try talking him out of it grew increasingly rare. Hattori knew that Shinichi couldn't be dissuaded by words alone.

It was of no use.

And his father was someone he preferred to avoid at all cost. If he somehow got wind of it, that he might be nearby, he left as many clues as possible for the police at the crime scene and let the case drop, hard as it was to do so. Besides, it was clear that his father would take up his role as the guide to solving the mystery by connecting the dots he'd left behind for the police.

 _Of_ _course_ his parents wanted him back; he could understand that, but it was easier to avoid them in order to spare them the pain that being around him would cause. Makoto's cooking skills were definitely not responsible for the bitter taste which had settled on his tongue. He put the fork aside and looked up at Sonoko, his voice sounding cold even in his own ears. "What alternative do I have, Sonoko? Stay in an orphanage until people get wind of my…'condition', then leave to find another? People are bound to notice sooner or later."

He sounded so bitter that Sonoko flinched at what he said. She only looked at him silently and then she asked her next question which struck right at the heart of his deepest fears. "So…you want to go on like that? Forever?"

Shinichi stopped short and shuddered involuntarily as a cold chill ran down his spine. His future was something he avoided thinking about too much, if at all. He tried to shake off the thoughts and emotions her question evoked in him, all the while avoiding her gaze while he mumbled something like an answer in his non-existent beard, barely loud enough for Sonoko to hear. "No, no...probably not."

The blonde instantly paled. 'Kudo-'

She'd botched up big time. She had totally put her foot in her mouth. Why did she phrase it that way?! She hadn't meant it like that, even though she should have guessed that his thoughts would drift in that direction. Kudo might no longer be aging… but death could still take him. That girl had proven that some time ago.

'Haibara...' Sonoko felt dizzy just thinking about that child. The picture of the little girl was branded in her memory. That girl who'd demonstrated during the final battle with the Organization, that even a life influenced by the APTX could come to an end. Nauseated, Sonoko's voice quivered as she looked at him sharply. "You don't mean..."

Shinichi only grimaced; the sarcasm in his voice didn't fit the weary, blue eyes which looked up to her in annoyance. "Why not? You said it yourself. I can't go on like this."

She bit her lips, slowly shaking her head. "You know I didn't mean it like _that_ , Shinichi,"

He ran his hand through his damp hair, while he bit down the rest of his comment. He sighed, avoiding her burning gaze as he shook his head. "I know."

She knew that he knew that things needed to change. But the fatigue in his voice echoed hollow and cold in her ears.

xxx

He ate the rest of the food silently, not even trying to keep up the façade of cheerful banter anymore; and just as silently, he followed her into the bathroom and climbed onto the chair Sonoko wanted him to sit on. The only sound which broke the heavy silence between them was the clatter of scissors, with which Sonoko tried to gain some control over his untameable hair, which was matted with dirt even after his bath.

The comb brushed pleasantly over his neck even though he had some doubts as to the abilities of the rich blonde as a hairdresser. But then again, beggars can't be choosers; so even if she managed to give him a bald spot like Genta had or something, he was going to have to live with it. But she actually turned out to be quite okay at it. The new clothes, along with his slowly changing appearance in the mirror, could lead a stranger to believe he was standing in front of a normal little child.

But it was not enough to fool himself—would never be enough to give him that respite. He had to live with the knowledge of who he actually was. The fact that the APTX hadn't addled with his memories seemed to be a curse to him at the moment.

Shinichi dry swallowed and stared at Conan Edogawa in the mirror while the primary school student stared back.

Sonoko took a deep breath; she could still hear his broken voice repeating itself in her head, so she needed to pull herself together to avoid cutting a clump of his hair off altogether with her shaking hands.

She knew that he couldn't continue like that…they both knew that. She bit her lips, a small wrinkle between her eyebrows; yet her voice sounded determined, when she broke the silence between them. "You could stay. Here, I mean. With us."

Shinichi briefly twitched under the scissors; his half moon eyes looked up to her, the annoyed and grouchy expression seemed to fit into the stubborn face of the little boy. "And force you to move after every few years, forever? No thank you." He folded his arms across his chest, dodging her concerned gaze in the mirror, but the topic wasn't done for her. She took a deep breath and tried to put a little more care in her voice, which wasn't exactly easy being confronted with the stubbornness of her former classmate.

"At least you wouldn't be alone, I'm sure your parents would-"

"- suffer because of the fact that I'm not able to keep up with the world." His harsh tone blocked her off.

The snipping of the scissors came to a rest while she eyed him thoughtfully. But Shinichi's insistence quickly lost its power, while his gaze wandered back to Conan's eyes which seemed to be the only part of his true self that broke through the cage of the little boy. "I can never expect anyone to share my fate," he said, despite the way he felt like the words he uttered were choking him. "It would be better for them to simply forget me."

His voice crawled under her skin, and silence fell upon them again. Sonoko just stared at him, but it was anger, not pity that electrified the small hairs on her arm. He couldn't possibly be serious, right? But he seemed to be dead serious.

When she finally found the courage to speak again, her voice was nothing more than hoarse hissing.

"Do you really believe they could do that…do you think _she_ could ever forget you?"

Conan blinked, startled, slowly looking up to her. Clearly he'd not expected Sonoko to bring her up in their conversation right now. "Sonoko..."

"No! Not 'Sonoko'!" She stood up, and stepped out of the sight of the mirror so that he had to turn around to look up to the now infuriated Sonoko, who looked twice as dangerous with the scissors in her hand. "Listen, Kudo-" she was working up a temper, and Shinichi knew no way to avoid it.

She saw how he winced, looking up at her only reluctantly, but she didn't care. What he had been through didn't matter, and what he thought about it was useless. He had to understand that he still mattered to someone- to _her_.

Her voice was rough and shook, it echoed through the empty, cavernous hall. "She'll never be able to forget you! She didn't over the past few years and and she _never_ _will_. Even tomorrow…a significant day like that…why did you have to show up now of all times?!"

"Huh?" Shinichi looked up and was absolutely clueless about what Sonoko was ranting about right now, but he had a foreboding feeling that he wouldn't like the reply to the question at all.

She didn't hear his hoarse question, her rage was blinding and all-encompassing; she didn't see how his small chest was heaving with every breath, while he slowly put the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle together. "I swear Kudo, if you're going to hurt her once more, if you dare to ruin tomorrow for her, then-"

"What are you talking about, Sonoko?!" His voice cracked and was barely louder than a whisper since he was so deathly afraid of the answer he was going to get. And yet he'd asked, silently hoping that he would be wrong, just this once.

But his silent plea for her to stop just added fuel to her misguided fire. The heiress, however, didn't notice the anxiety and confusion and desperation in his voice, and broke the news to him in an extremely harsh and abrupt manner in her fit of anger. "Just stop pretending, Kudo! As if you have no clue what I'm talking about! That's why you're here, aren't you? Because of Ran's wedding?!"

His heart seemed to stop this very moment, frozen, immobile and overwhelmed by too much pain. _So_ _much_ _pain._ He felt like the life he led right now was a breeze compared to what Sonoko unwittingly blurted out. His blood ran cold, like his heart was pumping ice and not blood. He heard Conan's voice in his own ears but it felt like he was listening to someone else. "No," be breathed out, his face pinched with pain. "That's not why I'm here…" He had no idea how he managed to get his words out. It felt like his mind totally blanked out.

The empty, ghostlike, mechanical voice of the little boy pulled Sonoko out of the pit of fury she was lost in, and she finally noticed the world of pain Shinichi was in. His pale skin and his eyes that seemed blank frightened her. What had she done?! "But- I- I thought…" she stammered, trying to appease his pain and that great wave of guilt that threatened to crush her very soul.

Shinichi exhaled a long, shaky sigh. Sonoko didn't dare speculate what was really on his mind. She had no idea how he was keeping it all in his tiny frame and not losing it and screaming and tearing into her and smashing everything around him. He had lost everything, and she had been so lost in her rage that slapped the truth in his face without the slightest prior indication.

It was just that she _really_ had thought that he was here because of that. She felt like absolute crap, and she had to mentally bully herself into looking at the little boy again, who now seemed to be even more lost in this overly large bathroom than he usually did. Conan swallowed again, and muttered hoarsely, "I didn't know about it. I didn't know… till now."

Sonoko bit her lip, as she saw the little boy- the broken man before her, whose heart she just pierced with a knife and topped it off with a kick to his gut.

"Shinichi, it wasn't-" A soft burning in her eyes seemed to accompany the lump in her throat, making it nearly impossible to speak. "I'm sorry, I-"

But Conan still refused to look at her, instead his gaze wandered back off to the mirror to meet the blue eyes of the grade schooler again, who just reminded him of the fact that he would never see any other reflection.

But not even he himself could believe in his hushed words. "It's okay..."

No, nothing was okay.

And it wouldn't be.

Not for him.

Never.

xxx

She avoided him, after he had thanked her for letting him stay overnight. Sonoko was drowning in guilt, unable to look him in the eye. She couldn't tell him to keep away from Ran but neither could she encourage him to finally speak to her.

None of those choices seemed to be right.

So she just packed his washed clothes into the little blue backpack she had packed for him. Something he just had to accept, 'cause she just couldn't let him go like that. It was her condition to let him go again at all, packed with some money, new clothes and some other supplies so that he was able to scrape through some time at least. Even if it made her stomach drop every time she even looked at the little backpack, she tried to fill it all up, but she had no idea what else to put in there.

Because, what the heck was she supposed to pack in such a bag?

She didn't know how Kudo managed to live like that; and to be honest, most of the time she tried not to think about it too much. But to keep this ignorance up was hard on days like these, especially after their conversation earlier.

'You should just have kept your big mouth shut, Suzuki!'

He hadn't known about it.

He would have simply disappeared again, unaware of anything; instead she just smacked his face with this truth bomb, and even _suspected_ _that_ _he_ _might_ _be_ _here_ _to_ _ruin_ _Ran's_ _wedding_. The same guy who refused to even live properly because he cared so much more about others than himself. What an absolute fiasco.

The silence between them had only stretched itself, so that she had retired to her office after she had prepared the guestroom for him. She had even gone thus far as to actually go through a few company matters in order to give her head something else to think about.

But the monotonous voice of the journalist in the television wasn't to be overlooked. The fact that he read the same news now about the hundreds of times only made it worse. Kudo must have turned the news channel on and hadn't switched to another the past hours. She sighed, her eyes wandering to the big clock right above the door of her office. The next day, the day of Ran's wedding was coming dangerously close.

Sonoko heaved a long sigh, and she could feel how a little frown was forming between her eyes. That's enough, it was quite late for-

'-a little child.'

The young woman bit her lip and shook her head to get rid of the thoughts before she got up with a silent sigh, making her way into the living room.

She found him, in fact, still in front of the TV. Even so, he was no longer catching the latest anyway.

Kudo was asleep, in a position which only children and cats could possibly manage to find comfortable. His body seemed to be completely twisted, one arm dangling from the sofa's edge while the other one was hugging a phantom pillow beneath his head. But the dark circles beneath his eyes and his tensed face betrayed the the façade of childhood.

He was no child.

Sonoko swallowed, crossing the short distance between them, trying to wake the detective with a soft shake on his shoulder. "Hey, Kudo?"

Useless, there wasn't much more than a slight twitch of his nose along with a bit of illegible mumbling.

Her eyes rested on the little child again. 'Argh! Darn it!' Sonoko bit her lips, slowly lowering herself to gather his small frame in her arms. Lucky, Shinichi continued to sleep, snuggling deeper into her arms just like her son used to do it when she carried him back to his bed.

He wasn't much heavier than her little one.

Not a good sign, considering that Kudo's body was at least two years older than him. She swallowed, shaking her head as she carefully made her way to the guest room where she carefully placed him on the bed. She thought about taking off his socks for a second before she just covered him with the blanket.

Her gaze darkened while she watched the little boy's calm breathing, who despite sleeping deeply in the warm covers, revealed his restlessness with eyes that rolled behind his eyelids, showing that his mind was troubled, even in his dreams.

The burning in her eyes spoke of new tears which she had fought against; she could feel the salty water running down her cheeks, blurring the picture of the grade schooler before her. Now that he was sleeping, her mouth was able to form the words he would have earne to hear before.

"Ran will never forget you, Kudo." The lump in her throat made her voice break. "Never."

Her gaze wandered across the features of the little boy one last time, who looked even smaller in this giant bed. Everything around him seemed to have this strange effect, just like the world seemed to struggle against his appearance.

Sonoko's heart ached; she would've never thought that the not-so-secret dream couple from their school would suffer such a terrible fate.

One part lost and in love and the other in love but lost.

She swallowed. Tears were still gliding over her cheeks before hitting the ground with a dead noise. Her voice was barely more than a hoarse whisper when her lips finally obeyed her will.

"I'm sorry."

She knew that he couldn't hear her, but she just had to get if off her chest, because she knew that in the morning, he would already be gone again.

xxx

It was perfect.

Everything, from the lovely roses to the ceremony, even the warm spring sun and soothing, fragrant breeze which tickled her nose. Yet she could feel how something softly brushed her cheeks, even more tender than his kisses.

She was crying.

For the third time today.

But something felt different than before, the tears running down her cheeks felt heavy and cold.

These were different tears than this morning, when her heart had stumbled for the first time, when she had seen herself in the mirror, in this flowing white gown, knowing that there were only a few minutes left before she would be married.

Excitement and fear melded with anticipation to give rise to pure panic, which probably every woman felt before making this step, asking themselves what they're even doing here. But the burning in her eyes had been a good one, the salty tears had washed away every doubt from her heart.

She loved him.

There had been moments where she never dared to hope to feel something like that ever again. She had been fighting against the inner feeling of betrayal, of betraying _him_. But he had just given her time, waiting. He had been there for her, patient and considerate so that the stormy feelings inside her were able to calm down slowly, until she was able to return his feelings.

It was just because of him that she was standing here today wearing this beautiful dress which had left him speechless when he first saw her.

She had thought that she and her makeup had survived this moment. She had put up with her crying bridesmaids, her father who had been crying his eyes out with a big smile muttering death threats to her future husband under his breath while he walked her to the altar and her mother, who was smiling and crying all at once.

The smile on her own lips had been true and full of love and joy, when his voice alone was able to bring new tears in her eyes.

Yet it was true.

This had been the second time the tears were running down her cheeks, when Tomoaki's hushed voice had whispered his wedding vows in her ear.

He loved her.

But now she was sitting here, far away from her wedding guests, pretending to take some time to enjoy the sun on her skin for just a few moments. No one knew that her world was drowning in tears once more.

No one but him.

xxx

He had sworn to himself that he wouldn't go. He didn't want to do that to himself, much less to her.

'Ran.'

Conan inhaled sharply, his nails digging deeper into the thick bark of the tree which he was hiding behind, watching the wedding party until she had suddenly found his present.

He didn't know why, the small package wasn't meant to catch her attention; but it did.

The grade schooler closed his eyes, he could feel the heavy backpack behind him, which was a little lighter now that he spent some of the money Sonoko had given to him in buying Ran her wedding gift.

He would regret that later… especially when the cold autumn wind chased him through Tokyo's streets. He swallowed, stubbornly shaking his head. He just needed to find another way. And he would.

He was a detective after all, that wasn't something they had been able to take away from him, and to be honest… that seemed to be all that was left.

Today he'd taken the first step into the right direction, by spending Sonoko's money for something else. He knew that she wanted to help him with that and this morning he had known exactly what to do with it.

For Ran, one last time.

So he took the money up to a quite surprised looking little jeweler, who'd look quizzically over his counter down to the little boy. The skepticism vanished after he'd checked the money, and he smiled a big smile to match the cash in his hands.

Shinichi somehow managed to get the small jewelry box between the other presents, he never thought that it might catch her attention. Conan bit his lip; his stomach felt like someone had filled it with stones, and he silently endured the painful hammering in his chest.

He got what he deserved.

He caused her to cry, on a day like this of all times.

Her wedding day.

The former high schooler gasped for air, a sharp needle piercing his heart while his eyes moved to her again.

She was _beautiful_.

The white silk gown enhanced her silhouette, soft white roses swirled around her slender waist and seemed to flow down to her train. The warm sunlight was reflected in in her dark brown hair, making it shine. She had a glow to her face that was all natural. She truly looked happy.

It felt like a cold hand was choking him. He lost count of how often he'd dreamed of seeing her like that, of her walking up to him while he was waited for her with his brightest smile, in his orginal body.

A dream…

That was now shattered. Nothing more.

She didn't belong to him any longer, she'd walked out from the dark shadows that surrounded him… she was happy. That's all he wanted.

He took a deep breath. He could feel how his eyes began to burn while his breath caught in his throat. That was the reason he was here… Ran should love, live. Without him. She should be happy… and the key to her happiness was all he could give her: the little jewelry box, resting in her hands.

He swallowed, his aching heart was torn to pieces, it felt like little needles were piercing his skin while a sad smile tugged at his lips.

His voice was barely more than a soft whisper, which was carried away by the wind before it ever had the chance to reach her ears.

"Ran, forgive me…"

xxx

The soft drumming of her tears hitting the little jewelry box in her hand sounded like an irregular heartbeat, joining with her own. She didn't know why this simple thing got her attention, since it had been barely visible in the pile of presents. But one glance at the little card had been enough to steal her breath.

 _"For Ran."_

She'd recognized his handwriting before she was even able to read these two simple words; she'd known that scribble all her life, after all. She had held her breath, pressing the little present close to her heart before excusing herself with a fake smile. Her wobbly legs guided her to the park bench. Blood was rushing in her ears, while her body seemed to shiver in the rhythm of her heart beat as she slowly opened the little box.

The lid held a small card, not much bigger than a business card, written in his neatest handwriting. But her eyes sought out his present first.

Nestled on dark green silk, rested a little golden heart on delicate necklace,simple and modest. The warm sun made it shine, and with the shadows of the dancing leaves above her, it nearly seemed to be alive, fluttering like a little heartbeat in her hands.

Ran swallowed, barely able to breath; the little jewel seemed to burn a hole in her stomach, preparing herself for what was about to come. In fact, it wasn't the golden heart itself that broke the dam of her tears once more today, but the simple card she pulled out of the black velvet lid with shaking hands.

Her heart was hammering in her chest, while her ears seemed to be filled with cotton. The warm spring wind suddenly felt cold and cruel on her skin.

Her vision blurred behind these very tears, even before she was able to read the short lines; they felt hot, painful, and wrong. They ran down her cheeks, falling down just to simply vanish in her dress.

But one heavy drop didn't follow the path of its brethren. Instead, it found its way onto the card, soaking itself into the black ink, blurring his words in the cold wind.

 _" **I'm giving it back**_ ** _._** ** _"_**

'Shinichi…'

It seemed like his voice was whispering in her ears.

His, not Conan's.

That of Kudo Shinichi.

His voice, which she would never hear again.

More and more tears were fighting their way up to the surface, and she was shivered from too much pain and love alike.

He had set her free.

Ran tried to catch her breath while she blinked away away the fresh onset of tears, dazzled by the shadow theater of the dancing leaves that were falling and fluttering away in the breeze, which guided her thoughts.

Shinichi let her go. He'd done that some time ago now. He disappeared from her life, leaving her… for her to find her luck. Without him.

She had given her heart to someone else, but a small part of it was always him, holding memories of what they once were.

'Shinichi!'

A part of her wished for him to be here now, to share this wondeful day with her and be part of her happiness. She missed him deeply. She was afraid of what he might be going through, and she wished she could be there for him.

She wanted _him_ back.

Not…not that.

It wasn't hers, it wasn't Tomaki's, this little part of her heart was his alone.

Shinichi's.

Ran struggled for breath; hot tears were still running down her cheeks, but the warm sun never reached her heart. The wind was tugging at her dress, fluttering her veil softly in its cold grip while it carried her sorrowful, heartbroken voice away.

"I don't want it back, Shinichi! Please… I don't want it back…"

* * *

 _Hello together! I hope I didn´t scare you away with this little OS. I still LOVE, love, love ShinxRan! this story was supposed to be a heart breaking turn of events, nothing more. The next story of mine will be a "little" longer and full of ShinxRan again, along with other Characters, Mystery, Love and Drama._

 _BIG BIG BIG Thanks to **WinchestersOf221B** and **Taliya** who did an awesome job as my betas ^_^! _

_Reviews and critic would be lovely ^-^_

 _\- Shelling_


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